The F Bomb Revelations

If you know me...you know Ive been hurt and I have a mouth. A big one. One that likes to ruuuuuunnnn away :) As we all have. And my offenses seem so tiny when it compairs to the people that I have met and have in my life so I'm def not playing the poor me card or think that I'm the only one that's ever been hurt and mine hurt is the biggest. But I just totally got put in my place and my brain and heart is overflowing and my mind is swirling. Again I feel like the big black and white cow in twister swwwwwiiiirrrrrling around. But I'll post the link at the end of this blog to the sermon I just heard. It just took 2 hours to listen to...and it's only like 51 minutes. haha Is that bad?! heehee And what you're about to read is a mix of his words and mine. I tried to customize them to me because that's what makes sense...So I'm not claiming these words as mine...The sermon is titled the F bomb which stands for forgiveness....Which i have a hard time with. The sermon is based off of Romans 12:17-21
"17Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. 18If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"[d]says the Lord. 20On the contrary: If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."[e] 21Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

He hit the nail on the head in how I feel...I feel that forgiveness means that I can't and am not standing up for myself. Basically a doormat mentality. In the past I've always just taken stuff...kept my mouth shut...but it was when my heart got bulldozed a few years ago that I found my voice...which I realize needs to be stifled. I want to forgive and be a fountain of grace and mercy in everyday life...not just in huge offenses. This really convicted me about work. About some of the people that I work with and my attitudes towards them. If I turned those attitudes around...it would have a major impact on my daily life and probably all the others there too. He also says that the enemy wants to snatch the word forgiveness ...he wants to downplay the nature of evil...minimize it. In my everyday life...in this world..in my friends world the evil will be there. It's the nature of the world we live in. But in vs 17 He calls it what it is...the offense, regardless of it being big or small is evil. It was done probably with an evil mindset. So we don't have to sit here and pretend that the things that were done to us and hurt us really wern't all that bad. They are. They're evil. If it's rape, if it's a boy using us, a friend betraying us, a parent neglecting us...it doesn't matter. It's evil.
"Forgiveness is not weakness. It's the ultimate portal of the power in Christ" BAM! lol It's supernatural. It's against everything I want to do. Against everything I want to say or talk about or act out...

He gave an example of somebody that messaged him that broke my heart. This man was adopted as a child and he said that his dad would get drunk, beat him and would tell him that he regretted ever "buying" him. *Sidenote: I cannot imagine the evil that would penetrate a person to be able to do and say something like that to a child. I...in my sheltered life of loving parents and wonderful family cannot imagine the hurt and damage that something like that would cause a person. Blows my mind.* But this man grew up and even with that background of hurt can say that his heavenly father NEVER regretted purchasing him. Thank you Jesus for being able to wrap my mind around that truth. That litterally gave me chills.

"The forgiven forgive..." vs 18 but doesn't say live in partnership...he says live in Peace. Which personally to me...and my circumstances means that I don't have to jump in and trust 100%. That makes me feel like it's ok to live in peace...do everything I can...meet a need if I see it...but also almost protect myself and my heart in a relationship. That's ok. Whether it be a friendship or a love relationship. He said that forgiveness starts in action...not in attitude. Which that statement in and of itself rocked my world. I...probably as a woman rely WAY to much to attitude. To emotions. If i don't feel over it...if i don't feel forgiveness then that is DEF going to come across. Bless me. It's a command. It's not a "when I get around to it" or "when I feel like it I'll deal with it" it's a command. Because if I wait for the feeling to come...I'll be waiting forever. And there are times (Which is probably a lot since I'm a grudging gretta) that I will need to take a step of faith and obey. Then the feeling will follow based on my action. And since i feel I am service based a lot of the time because I want to do something for everybody...that would probably change my life. Why have I not realized before?!?! Gah I'm hard headed. Surrrppprriiiseeeeeeee. Not really. lol I have to own my part of the offence and leave the rest to God to settle. He's not telling us to forfeit justice because when we forgive...we guarantee it. He's not saying that when somebody does something to you just let it go. That's the usual message of forgiveness..."Just let it go". That's the only thing they advise. That's good...but not always going to fix it. What he's saying essentially is just go to your mighty father and the come/stay under the protection of an amazing God that's big enough to actually do something about it. The offenses are in the past...they're bigger than me (Which is pretty gosh darn big lol) An essential factor of forgiveness is giving up on the possibility of a better past. It's not going to happen. What happened happened. What was said was said. It's done. Forgiveness isn't about waving a little white flag of surrender and giving up hope of justice, it's about dropping the atomic bomb by embracing the cross of Christ who paid for all of our sins. It's not about dismissing our case...it's about appealing it to a higher court and a higher judge. I agree with him in the fact that I always felt forgiveness was a demonstration of weakness..But It's not. It's the complete opposite. The reason we don't want to forgive the people that hurt us is because as long as we can hate them and as long as we can wait on them say that they may or may not recognize what they did or if they try to make restitution or admit what they took from us... it's still going to be gone. So as long as we hold them in confinement you can reason to yourself that they can't hurt you anymore...I hold them and the offense in captivity. And by doing that I'm allow them to hurt me over and over by replaying the offense. All I'm doing is opening myself up to allow them to hurt me over and over again. As long as i put them in jail..they re not getting out. Forgiveness is setting a prisoner free but by doing that I can find out that the prisoner was/is me. Forgiveness is like eating rat poison and expecting the other person to die. It doesn't matter the size of the offense...the principle is still the same. I also agree with him in that my natural defense is to throw it back at them. You hurt me Ill out hurt you...You hurt me...I'll hurt you worst. You cut me...you better watch out. He advises to change the game...change the strategy and stop getting played. It's all a game. A horrible hurtful game that's going to eat at me and keeps putting me right into the devils hands. I have to Overcome evil with good. He does not say lay there and let evil win the day. It doesn't say minimize the effect of evil. He says overcome evil with good. Drop the F bomb on them!! Love them. Own my part of the offense and walk in humility. Refuse to be held captive of what people have done. Jesus did not take those offenses on his bloody broken back so I could walk around bloody and bruised by what the others have done to me. I should refuse to stand and hold an offense that Jesus has nailed to the cross. When I don't forgive, I take away from the cross of Christ. Those offenses belong to him! He paid for those! He said he will avenge. That's what he did to the world. The world was evil and broken and our God gave his life not because he was weak but because he was infinitely strong. our God has given us the power to forgive like he forgave us.

He ends with the definition of Forgiveness...which is to release someone of a debt that they owe me because of the pain that they caused me.

I'm letting it go...Choosing forgiveness.

http://www.elevationchurch.org/sermons

I Wasn't Made To Be Guarded

So... I’m new here. :) I used to blog and stopped since life became a tornado and I became that big black and white cow swwwwwwiiiirrrrrrllingggg around in it. And since around 6 months ago…I’ve become a very angry person inside. LOL So I figured since it’s so entertaining to read everybody else’s that someone might be entertained in reading mine! Probably not. But we’ll give it a whirl. So here is what is going on in my world...

For the most part I am a happy girl {insert Martina McBride’s happy girl song here}. I live a very full and busy life! :) But lately I've realized that being a guarded person is a must. Which is completely against my nature. I was not made to be guarded. For as long as I can remember I've been so open...and want to love everybody...and will share and tell anybody everything. But that no longer is a reality for me. It can't be. I have no idea how to function with the feeling of not being able to trust. I've hit this very weird place in my life where I feel alone a lot and even more so lately when I feel like I can't trust anybody. I don't know who I can. And what I think is ironic is that that necessity is due to other people who I've let in. And what's even more Ironic is that
they are the ones that have had it done to them...So don't you think they would stop the pattern? Don't you think they would be aware of how it feels or affects people? Not necessarily. It truly breaks my heart.

I've also hit this weird place where in the past I want to help everybody. I want to help and do anything for people which has now started to bite me in the keaster. I can't find the happy median where I can help my friends...and not run myself down in the process. It's not rare for me to be out and doing something with/for somebody every night of the week. It keeps me busy...it keeps my mind off stuff...but it wears me down. I have this moral problemo because I feel like if I don't take the opportunity to help somebody....or listen to somebody...or do something for somebody I'm not being a good Christian...a good friend...a good person. We are called to serve others...but when is it ok to say no? I can't find that answer and that bothers me...a lot. I know I'll get through this weird spot..but it's dragging...I just want a flawless reputation...and that is something I am going to work towards with all I have. I want to be able to know that my intentions are pure. I want to be that person that when other people
are talking about me that they can't have anything negative to say. I want to be that friend that you know will always be by your side...I want people to say "Julie...she's a good one. She's got her stuff together and they don't come better" I'll get there...Tonight when I was driving...I was having a pity party...Party of one. :) I was thinking about things in my life that I want so badly... friendships and how they fail me. Relationships with guys and my intense desire to have somebody by my side...they fail me. Issues with money...I'm irresponsible with it. Issues
with work...are crap. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks.... (Disclaimer...it takes me longer than normal people to get stuff haha) I.Put.This.All.Before.Christ. Holy crapo. How in THE WORLD is God going to bless anything I want or do If I put it before him?!?! *DING* Today was my first time in 10 years that I've tithed. And even with all these things that are on my mind...I know that that is the biggest first step I've ever made in the right direction. And that feels good. I'll get through this...and I'll be a stronger person. Just seeing all this makes me feel like i can sort through this...So I shall leave you with a song :) (Which if you know me you know I LOVE music so I'll always leave you with a song :))I heard this song for the first time on the way home tonight :) Cried like a little girl. LOL Our God is always one time and gives us just what we need when we need it. They say he doesn't speak audibly anymore...I beg to differ...this song was made for me...

Oh BTW Shout out to Ashley and Chase for telling me come this weekend and just get out of Anderson!! :) You're the best!

Meredith Andrews - You're Not Alone
I searched for love when the night came and it closed in
I was alone, but You found me where I was hiding
And now I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name, saying

You're not alone for I am here
Let me wipe away your every fear
My love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
And I'm the One who's loved you all your life
All your life

You cry yourself to sleep'
Cause the hurt is real and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost with heartache your closest friend
And everyone else long gone
You've had to face the music on your own
But there is a sweeter song that calls you home, saying

You're not alone for I am here
Let me wipe away your every tear
My love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
And I'm the One who's loved you all your life
All your life

Faithful and true forever
My love will carry you
You're not alone for I, I am here
Let me wipe away your every fear
My love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
Your darkest night
And I'm the One who's loved you all your life
All your life