I Wasn't Made To Be Guarded

So... I’m new here. :) I used to blog and stopped since life became a tornado and I became that big black and white cow swwwwwwiiiirrrrrrllingggg around in it. And since around 6 months ago…I’ve become a very angry person inside. LOL So I figured since it’s so entertaining to read everybody else’s that someone might be entertained in reading mine! Probably not. But we’ll give it a whirl. So here is what is going on in my world...

For the most part I am a happy girl {insert Martina McBride’s happy girl song here}. I live a very full and busy life! :) But lately I've realized that being a guarded person is a must. Which is completely against my nature. I was not made to be guarded. For as long as I can remember I've been so open...and want to love everybody...and will share and tell anybody everything. But that no longer is a reality for me. It can't be. I have no idea how to function with the feeling of not being able to trust. I've hit this very weird place in my life where I feel alone a lot and even more so lately when I feel like I can't trust anybody. I don't know who I can. And what I think is ironic is that that necessity is due to other people who I've let in. And what's even more Ironic is that
they are the ones that have had it done to them...So don't you think they would stop the pattern? Don't you think they would be aware of how it feels or affects people? Not necessarily. It truly breaks my heart.

I've also hit this weird place where in the past I want to help everybody. I want to help and do anything for people which has now started to bite me in the keaster. I can't find the happy median where I can help my friends...and not run myself down in the process. It's not rare for me to be out and doing something with/for somebody every night of the week. It keeps me busy...it keeps my mind off stuff...but it wears me down. I have this moral problemo because I feel like if I don't take the opportunity to help somebody....or listen to somebody...or do something for somebody I'm not being a good Christian...a good friend...a good person. We are called to serve others...but when is it ok to say no? I can't find that answer and that bothers me...a lot. I know I'll get through this weird spot..but it's dragging...I just want a flawless reputation...and that is something I am going to work towards with all I have. I want to be able to know that my intentions are pure. I want to be that person that when other people
are talking about me that they can't have anything negative to say. I want to be that friend that you know will always be by your side...I want people to say "Julie...she's a good one. She's got her stuff together and they don't come better" I'll get there...Tonight when I was driving...I was having a pity party...Party of one. :) I was thinking about things in my life that I want so badly... friendships and how they fail me. Relationships with guys and my intense desire to have somebody by my side...they fail me. Issues with money...I'm irresponsible with it. Issues
with work...are crap. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks.... (Disclaimer...it takes me longer than normal people to get stuff haha) I.Put.This.All.Before.Christ. Holy crapo. How in THE WORLD is God going to bless anything I want or do If I put it before him?!?! *DING* Today was my first time in 10 years that I've tithed. And even with all these things that are on my mind...I know that that is the biggest first step I've ever made in the right direction. And that feels good. I'll get through this...and I'll be a stronger person. Just seeing all this makes me feel like i can sort through this...So I shall leave you with a song :) (Which if you know me you know I LOVE music so I'll always leave you with a song :))I heard this song for the first time on the way home tonight :) Cried like a little girl. LOL Our God is always one time and gives us just what we need when we need it. They say he doesn't speak audibly anymore...I beg to differ...this song was made for me...

Oh BTW Shout out to Ashley and Chase for telling me come this weekend and just get out of Anderson!! :) You're the best!

Meredith Andrews - You're Not Alone
I searched for love when the night came and it closed in
I was alone, but You found me where I was hiding
And now I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name, saying

You're not alone for I am here
Let me wipe away your every fear
My love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
And I'm the One who's loved you all your life
All your life

You cry yourself to sleep'
Cause the hurt is real and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost with heartache your closest friend
And everyone else long gone
You've had to face the music on your own
But there is a sweeter song that calls you home, saying

You're not alone for I am here
Let me wipe away your every tear
My love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
And I'm the One who's loved you all your life
All your life

Faithful and true forever
My love will carry you
You're not alone for I, I am here
Let me wipe away your every fear
My love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
Your darkest night
And I'm the One who's loved you all your life
All your life